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Splashdown Crew Finally Lands, Immediately Begs Reporters to "Please, Stop Elon"
After months in orbit, the Splashdown Crew touched down safely — but their faces told a story of exhaustion far beyond zero-gravity...

Crimmu$
Mar 212 min read


Local Man Accidentally Became Important at Work and It’s Ruining His Life
East Van, BC — What began as a casual “ya I can probably figure that out” has evolved into a full-scale professional catastrophe for...

Crimmu$
Mar 191 min read


This Just In: Turns Out the Internet Is Actually Just Disembodied Tom Green
Disembodied Digital Tom Green. SAF. For years, scientists, conspiracy theorists, and that one guy at your local vape shop have debated...

Crimmu$
Mar 193 min read


The Hoodie: A Timeline of Rebellion, Culture, and Power Moves
1930s — The Invention Born out of necessity. Champion Athletic Apparel designed heavy sweatshirts to keep workers and athletes warm....
SAF
Mar 182 min read


Religious Groups Call for Ban on ‘The White Lotus’ Score, Claim It’s “Auditory Fornication”
LOS ANGELES — After two critically acclaimed seasons of The White Lotus , HBO has confirmed that the show’s composers have officially...

Crimmu$
Mar 142 min read


DnB Duo's Source Direct Aspirations Crippled by Weed Shortage
Vancouver, BC — Local drum & bass duo Echo Ritual set out to channel the raw, cinematic menace of Source Direct . Instead, they run...

Crimmu$
Mar 121 min read


Local DJ Rebrands His Passion Project as "Strategic Sonic Ventures LLC" to Keep Haters at Bay
VANCOUVER — In a desperate bid to make his record label sound less like a doomed passion project and more like a viable business, local...

Crimmu$
Mar 102 min read


Local DJ Buys Girlfriend a Bass Coast Ticket for International Women’s Day—Gets Himself a Solo Shambhala Trip
VANCOUVER—In a bold display of selective generosity , local DJ Kyle “SubSync” Matthews proudly surprised his girlfriend, Jenna, with a...

Crimmu$
Mar 91 min read


Local Breakbeat Enthusiast Attempts to Redefine Jungle, Becomes the King of Genre Semantics
VANCOUVER, BC — In a shocking display of internet musicology, a self-proclaimed "historically accurate" breakbeat enthusiast has once...

Crimmu$
Mar 62 min read


Garage & Techno Tracks That Perfectly Conceal Your Hangover Shits
Vancouver, BC — The morning after a heinous night out requires strategy. You’re fragile, your stomach is an active crime scene, and the...

Crimmu$
Mar 42 min read


"It’s Not Trance, I Swear": One Girl’s Struggle to Admit She Loves 138 BPM Euphoria
Emma had a secret. A deep, shameful secret she couldn't admit to her closest friends. No, she wasn’t hiding a criminal past or a...

Crimmu$
Mar 42 min read


Confused Raver Accidentally Says “Jungle” at Drum & Bass Night, Still Not Sure What the Difference Is
VANCOUVER, BC — Local raver Kyle Thompson found himself in a moment of existential crisis last Saturday after mistakenly referring to a...

Crimmu$
Feb 271 min read


SAF Interview with StarGirl
1️⃣ The Name StarGirl How did you come up with the name StarGirl ? Did you realize at the time how catchy and memorable it would be?...
SAF
Feb 245 min read


SAFVR01: The First Installment
Step into the world of SAFVR with the first instalment of this immersive series. In this 14-minute VR DJ set, I kicked things off with...
SAF
Feb 41 min read


SAF'S FIRST ANNUAL SOUND CLASH
RSVP 4 DISCOUNTED TICKETS What is a Soundclash? A sound clash is a musical competition where opposing sound systems battle to win over...
SAF
Feb 43 min read


Festival Innovates New Way to Exploit Musicians & Artists: Public Begging for a Chance to Be Ignored
In a bold new effort to extract free promo from DJs and producers, music festivals worldwide are now requiring applicants to humiliate...

Crimmu$
Jan 304 min read


Bloom’s Taxonomy for Hiring the Boldest Artist Manager
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS SATIRE Want to work with someone who dreams of being the next Quincy Jones but still struggles to tell a G chord from...

Crimmu$
Jan 212 min read


A Word with Mat The Alien & Cardvell
Since the age of 14, Mat has been mixing, scratching, and crafting beats across countless genres and styles—but with one constant: heavy...
SAF
Jan 205 min read


The Paradox of Choice: Are We Watching, or Just Browsing?
In an era where streaming platforms dominate our downtime, one might assume the promise of endless content at our fingertips would lead...

Crimmu$
Jan 192 min read


Lineups by Numbers: How EDM’s Biggest Festivals Are Automating Curation
The mainstream EDM industry thrives on predictability . Festivals like Ultra and Tomorrowland are no longer just cultural...
SAF
Nov 19, 20242 min read
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