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Bloom’s Taxonomy for Hiring the Boldest Artist Manager

Writer's picture: Crimmu$Crimmu$

Updated: Jan 28

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS SATIRE

Want to work with someone who dreams of being the next Quincy Jones but still struggles to tell a G chord from a grocery list? Check out this practical guide to landing the most ambitious, if slightly unconventional, Artist Manager in the business!

Level

Objective

Questions/Tasks

Outcome

Memory

Recall their qualifications, which probably consist of a verified Instagram account and vague industry connections.

- How many bottle-service pics are on their feed?


 - Do they name-drop at least one globally famous artist they’ve never worked with?

Confirm they’ve mastered the art of looking successful without doing anything remotely productive.

Grasp

Grasp their so-called “vision,” which will sound like a TED Talk written by ChatGPT.

- How many times can they say “it’s a vibe” without defining what they actually do? - Can they explain their job without quoting Gary Vee?

Realize their entire “expertise” comes from skimming industry blogs while hungover.

Applying

Test their ability to waste your time with buzzwords and fake opportunities.

- Ask them how they’ll develop your career. Watch as they pivot to their favorite topic: themselves.

Witness their uncanny skill at creating solutions to problems they made up.

Analyzing

Break down their "success stories," which consist of hyping mediocre artists and abandoning them post-flop.

- How many of their artists are still working full-time jobs that aren’t music-related?


 - Did they once champion a viral act who’s now a meme?

Confirm their greatest legacy is ruining promising careers faster than you can say “360 deal.”

Evaluating

Judge their ethical code, or lack thereof, by watching them gaslight you into thinking shady contracts are normal.

- Do they “forget” to send you copies of the agreements?

Unearth their true priorities: your wallet, their clout, and nothing in between.

Creating

Collaborate on a future where their clout grows while your career crashes and burns.

- Can they co-create a strategy where your accomplishments become content for their LinkedIn?


 - Will they trademark your trauma for their next panel talk

Ensure you become a footnote in their LinkedIn success story while your life spirals into chaos.

Outcome: Outcome: Congratulations! You’ve landed a manager who’s part-time magician—now you see them, now you don’t—and a full-time pro at claiming your wins as their own.


Resolution: Is There Hope in the Wasteland of Music Mgmt.?

What Can Artists and Promoters Learn?

Valuable lessons for the industry at large:

  1. Foster Partnership, Not Power Struggles: Artists thrive when they’re treated as equals, not commodities. Collaboration leads to trust, which leads to better music.

  2. Gut Feelings Matter: While metrics like TikTok views or streaming stats dominate decision-making, the best A&R professionals know to trust their instincts when spotting potential.

  3. Support New Talent, Don’t Exploit Them: Talent development should be about growth, not pressure. A supportive relationship can lead to artistry that resonates with both fans and critics.

  4. Respect the Process: Creating great music takes time, patience, and shared commitment.




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