DISCLAIMER: THIS IS SATIRE
Want to work with someone who dreams of being the next Quincy Jones but still struggles to tell a G chord from a grocery list? Check out this practical guide to landing the most ambitious, if slightly unconventional, Artist Manager in the business!
Level | Objective | Questions/Tasks | Outcome |
Memory | Recall their qualifications, which probably consist of a verified Instagram account and vague industry connections. | - How many bottle-service pics are on their feed? - Do they name-drop at least one globally famous artist they’ve never worked with? | Confirm they’ve mastered the art of looking successful without doing anything remotely productive. |
Grasp | Grasp their so-called “vision,” which will sound like a TED Talk written by ChatGPT. | - How many times can they say “it’s a vibe” without defining what they actually do? - Can they explain their job without quoting Gary Vee? | Realize their entire “expertise” comes from skimming industry blogs while hungover. |
Applying | Test their ability to waste your time with buzzwords and fake opportunities. | - Ask them how they’ll develop your career. Watch as they pivot to their favorite topic: themselves. | Witness their uncanny skill at creating solutions to problems they made up. |
Analyzing | Break down their "success stories," which consist of hyping mediocre artists and abandoning them post-flop. | - How many of their artists are still working full-time jobs that aren’t music-related? - Did they once champion a viral act who’s now a meme? | Confirm their greatest legacy is ruining promising careers faster than you can say “360 deal.” |
Evaluating | Judge their ethical code, or lack thereof, by watching them gaslight you into thinking shady contracts are normal. | - Do they “forget” to send you copies of the agreements? | Unearth their true priorities: your wallet, their clout, and nothing in between. |
Creating | Collaborate on a future where their clout grows while your career crashes and burns. | - Can they co-create a strategy where your accomplishments become content for their LinkedIn? - Will they trademark your trauma for their next panel talk | Ensure you become a footnote in their LinkedIn success story while your life spirals into chaos. |
Outcome: Outcome: Congratulations! You’ve landed a manager who’s part-time magician—now you see them, now you don’t—and a full-time pro at claiming your wins as their own.
Resolution: Is There Hope in the Wasteland of Music Mgmt.?
What Can Artists and Promoters Learn?
Valuable lessons for the industry at large:
Foster Partnership, Not Power Struggles: Artists thrive when they’re treated as equals, not commodities. Collaboration leads to trust, which leads to better music.
Gut Feelings Matter: While metrics like TikTok views or streaming stats dominate decision-making, the best A&R professionals know to trust their instincts when spotting potential.
Support New Talent, Don’t Exploit Them: Talent development should be about growth, not pressure. A supportive relationship can lead to artistry that resonates with both fans and critics.
Respect the Process: Creating great music takes time, patience, and shared commitment.
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