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SAF Interview w/ SlowRolla
On the Road & On the Airwaves Your set at The Lot Radio recently made serious waves — can you walk us through what that moment meant for...
SAF
May 57 min read
Critics Praise New Netflix Series for ‘Not Getting in the Way of Instagram’
LOS GATOS, CA — Netflix’s newest original series, Coastal Tension , is earning rave reviews this week from critics and viewers alike —...
Crimmu$
May 32 min read
New Festival Tier Lets You Finance the Right to Be Assaulted by the Weather, Other People, and God Himself
In a bold step forward for experiential suffering , organizers of DustDrop Festival 2025 announced a new “ Ascension+ Tier ” — a...
Crimmu$
Apr 302 min read
SAF’s First Annual Soundclash: 5-Crews
SAF Soundclash 2025 🕘 9:00 PM – 2:00 AM 📍 🎙 Secret Opener • Decibel Meter Battles • All-Crew B2B Madness 🕘 9:00 – 9:25 PM — SECRET...
SAF
Apr 291 min read
Man Retreats to Cinematic Universe Where Accountability Doesn’t Exist
By the Safe as Fuck News Department DENVER, CO — In a bold act of self-care, 36-year-old systems analyst Kyle Wetherbee reportedly...
Crimmu$
Apr 292 min read
Data Shows People in Vancouver Who Complain About AI Share DNA With the Hagfish — A Blind, Slime-Emitting Fossil That Panics Under Pressure
New UBC study finds that resistance to artificial intelligence may be a biological condition linked to weak spines, ancestral oozing, and...
Crimmu$
Apr 282 min read
Deadmau5’s New Tour Shamelessly Sponsored by Nicorette and Deep Personal Failure After Absolute Trainwreck of a Performance
TORONTO, ON — Deadmau5, once hailed as a pioneer of electronic music, has boldly pivoted into his next creative phase: public meltdowns...
Crimmu$
Apr 272 min read
North Americans Gassed To Finally Get Drone Deliveries Just Like In Gaza
“We’ve been manifesting this moment since Amazon Prime Day 2016,” says Brooklyn man, moments before impact. In a historic milestone for...
Crimmu$
Apr 242 min read
Coachella Betrays Charli XCX By Choosing Band With Political Opinions Over Woman With Glittery Trauma and Cocaine-Inspired Bangers
CHARLI XCX FURIOUS GREEN DAY TOOK HER COACHELLA HEADLINER SLOT, USED IT TO SCREAM “FREE PALESTINE” INSTEAD OF “I’M A BRAT, I’M A SLUT”...
Crimmu$
Apr 182 min read
SAF Interview with amita
The Beginning What pulled you into DJing? Was there a defining moment, or did it happen more slowly over time? Both of my parents are...
SAF
Apr 88 min read
Local Raver Can Never Remember Which Marcus Is Which, Knows One Is Definitely Dead
VANCOUVER, BC — Local drum and bass enthusiast Ryan “NeuroRyan” Fisher once again found himself in a state of existential crisis this...
Crimmu$
Apr 32 min read
Dark Table Staff in Kitsilano Still Clueless About the Blackout—KFC Now Serving Those Who Can’t Afford $18 Salads
KITSILANO, BC — As thousands of Kitsilano residents scrambled for candles, emergency flashlights, and the will to carry on without...
Crimmu$
Apr 32 min read
Spike Lee Exhausted about Kanye’s BlacKkKlansman Interpretation
This is Satire In yet another baffling display of artistic interpretation, Kanye West—rapper, designer, and increasingly unpredictable...
Crimmu$
Mar 312 min read
Vancouver Purist Rejects AI, Awaits Recognition That Will Never Come
VANCOUVER — In a courageous act of cultural preservation, a local aging hipster has taken to the internet to declare war on the greatest...
Crimmu$
Mar 302 min read
Vancouver Man Finally Has Balls to Unfollow Boiler Room, Now Coping With Keep Hush Obsession
VANCOUVER – After years of pretending Boiler Room was still a cultural institution rather than an overbranded graveyard of forced vibes,...
Crimmu$
Mar 283 min read
UK Decides ALI G Is Finally Ready to Be Prime Minister
THIS IS SATIRE LONDON — In a surprise turn of events that has political analysts, TikTok commentators, and aging Boomers equally...
Crimmu$
Mar 262 min read
Local Hipster Tells Friends He Only Fucks With Hydromorphone Now Because Weed Is Too Psychoactive
DOWNSTOWN EASTSIDE VANCOUVER — In a revelation that surprised absolutely no one, local hipster Travis L., 29, announced at a dimly lit...
SAF
Mar 231 min read
Turns Out Flooding the City With Dillies (Hydromorphone) May Result in Tradsies
VANCOUVER — In breaking news that shocks absolutely no one except city officials, recent reports confirm that flooding the streets with...
SAF
Mar 231 min read
Turns Out Stigmatization of Hard Drugs Not the Worst Idea — Harm Reduction or Bait and Switch?
VANCOUVER — In the wake of vending-machine crack pipe failures and rising delivery app regret, new research suggests that — brace...
SAF
Mar 232 min read
Local Graphic Designer Devastated to Learn AI Doesn’t Need Their “Vision”
GASTOWN, VANCOUVER — Local graphic designer Devin Whitmore is currently spiraling after learning that AI design tools can produce...
Crimmu$
Mar 233 min read
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