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Local Hipster Tells Friends He Only Fucks With Hydromorphone Now Because Weed Is Too Psychoactive
DOWNSTOWN EASTSIDE VANCOUVER — In a revelation that surprised absolutely no one, local hipster Travis L., 29, announced at a dimly lit...
SAF
Mar 231 min read
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Turns Out Flooding the City With Dillies (Hydromorphone) May Result in Tradsies
VANCOUVER — In breaking news that shocks absolutely no one except city officials, recent reports confirm that flooding the streets with...
SAF
Mar 231 min read
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Turns Out Stigmatization of Hard Drugs Not the Worst Idea — Harm Reduction or Bait and Switch?
VANCOUVER — In the wake of vending-machine crack pipe failures and rising delivery app regret, new research suggests that — brace...
SAF
Mar 232 min read
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Local Graphic Designer Devastated to Learn AI Doesn’t Need Their “Vision”
GASTOWN, VANCOUVER — Local graphic designer Devin Whitmore is currently spiraling after learning that AI design tools can produce...

Crimmu$
Mar 233 min read
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Splashdown Crew Finally Lands, Immediately Begs Reporters to "Please, Stop Elon"
After months in orbit, the Splashdown Crew touched down safely — but their faces told a story of exhaustion far beyond zero-gravity...

Crimmu$
Mar 212 min read
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Local Man Accidentally Became Important at Work and It’s Ruining His Life
East Van, BC — What began as a casual “ya I can probably figure that out” has evolved into a full-scale professional catastrophe for...

Crimmu$
Mar 191 min read
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This Just In: Turns Out the Internet Is Actually Just Disembodied Tom Green
Disembodied Digital Tom Green. SAF. For years, scientists, conspiracy theorists, and that one guy at your local vape shop have debated...

Crimmu$
Mar 193 min read
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The Hoodie: A Timeline of Rebellion, Culture, and Power Moves
1930s — The Invention Born out of necessity. Champion Athletic Apparel designed heavy sweatshirts to keep workers and athletes warm....
SAF
Mar 182 min read
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Religious Groups Call for Ban on ‘The White Lotus’ Score, Claim It’s “Auditory Fornication”
LOS ANGELES — After two critically acclaimed seasons of The White Lotus , HBO has confirmed that the show’s composers have officially...

Crimmu$
Mar 142 min read
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DnB Duo's Source Direct Aspirations Crippled by Weed Shortage
Vancouver, BC — Local drum & bass duo Echo Ritual set out to channel the raw, cinematic menace of Source Direct . Instead, they run...

Crimmu$
Mar 121 min read
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Local DJ Rebrands His Passion Project as "Strategic Sonic Ventures LLC" to Keep Haters at Bay
VANCOUVER — In a desperate bid to make his record label sound less like a doomed passion project and more like a viable business, local...

Crimmu$
Mar 102 min read
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Local DJ Buys Girlfriend a Bass Coast Ticket for International Women’s Day—Gets Himself a Solo Shambhala Trip
VANCOUVER—In a bold display of selective generosity , local DJ Kyle “SubSync” Matthews proudly surprised his girlfriend, Jenna, with a...

Crimmu$
Mar 91 min read
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Local Breakbeat Enthusiast Attempts to Redefine Jungle, Becomes the King of Genre Semantics
VANCOUVER, BC — In a shocking display of internet musicology, a self-proclaimed "historically accurate" breakbeat enthusiast has once...

Crimmu$
Mar 62 min read
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Garage & Techno Tracks That Perfectly Conceal Your Hangover Shits
Vancouver, BC — The morning after a heinous night out requires strategy. You’re fragile, your stomach is an active crime scene, and the...

Crimmu$
Mar 42 min read
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"It’s Not Trance, I Swear": One Girl’s Struggle to Admit She Loves 138 BPM Euphoria
Emma had a secret. A deep, shameful secret she couldn't admit to her closest friends. No, she wasn’t hiding a criminal past or a...

Crimmu$
Mar 42 min read
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Confused Raver Accidentally Says “Jungle” at Drum & Bass Night, Still Not Sure What the Difference Is
VANCOUVER, BC — Local raver Kyle Thompson found himself in a moment of existential crisis last Saturday after mistakenly referring to a...

Crimmu$
Feb 271 min read
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SAF Interview with StarGirl
1️⃣ The Name StarGirl How did you come up with the name StarGirl ? Did you realize at the time how catchy and memorable it would be?...
SAF
Feb 245 min read
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SAFVR01: The First Installment
Step into the world of SAFVR with the first instalment of this immersive series. In this 14-minute VR DJ set, I kicked things off with...
SAF
Feb 41 min read
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SAF'S FIRST ANNUAL SOUND CLASH
RSVP 4 DISCOUNTED TICKETS What is a Soundclash? A sound clash is a musical competition where opposing sound systems battle to win over...
SAF
Feb 43 min read
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Festival Innovates New Way to Exploit Musicians & Artists: Public Begging for a Chance to Be Ignored
In a bold new effort to extract free promo from DJs and producers, music festivals worldwide are now requiring applicants to humiliate...

Crimmu$
Jan 304 min read
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