Man Retreats to Cinematic Universe Where Accountability Doesn’t Exist
- Crimmu$
- 4 hours ago
- 2 min read
By the Safe as Fuck News Department
DENVER, CO — In a bold act of self-care, 36-year-old systems analyst Kyle Wetherbee reportedly curled up Friday night with his Blu-ray box set of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, retreating once again into a rich fantasy world where men with emotional constipation are not only forgiven but celebrated.
“There’s just something so soothing about a place where all your trauma makes you interesting instead of dangerous,”— Wetherbee said while sipping whiskey from a Batman mug shaped like a jawline he doesn’t have.
The binge began shortly after Wetherbee was “ambushed” by a workplace equity seminar and needed, in his words, to “center his energy” by watching eight hours of men named Chris resolving global conflicts by throwing objects.
“You make one offhand comment about how he/him pronouns sound like a Tumblr phase, and next thing you know HR’s acting like you stormed the Capitol,”— he muttered, pausing Iron Man 2 to check if Elon Musk had ever faced consequences for anything besides tweeting too hard.
According to sources, Wetherbee finds great comfort in these cinematic universes where consequences are mostly theoretical, emotional growth is optional, and no one ever has to issue a Notes app apology. Characters are rarely held accountable—unless by a CGI villain with glowing eyes, in which case they’re gloriously vindicated in a slow-motion redemption arc.
“It’s just refreshing to see a guy blow up half a city and still get laid by Act 3,”— — said Wetherbee, who insists Black Panther was “a little preachy for a movie about a cat suit."
Friends report that Wetherbee recently started referring to his minor personal setbacks as “his Joker origin story,” and has expressed confusion over why real life doesn’t come with orchestral music swelling after he ignores his therapist’s advice.
At press time, Wetherbee was reportedly seen nodding solemnly as Captain America declared, “I can do this all day,” whispering,
“Same, bro. Same.”
