How Garbage Festivals Adopt Garbage Administration to Achieve Garbage University Status
- Crimmu$
- Jan 25
- 2 min read
Updated: Jan 26
This is Satire (mostly)
VANCOUVER — In a bold move experts are calling “deeply familiar,” several North American music festivals have successfully completed their transformation from scrappy cultural gatherings into full-fledged Garbage Universities, adopting the same bloated administrative structures, opaque back doors, and unpaid labor pipelines traditionally reserved for higher education.
Much like universities, modern festivals now insist they are “community-first” while quietly operating an elaborate two-track system: one entrance for the public-facing myth of meritocracy, and another, better-lit entrance around the back for friends, sponsors, and people who “go way back.”
“Anyone can apply,” explained one festival administrator, who has never released music, produced a track, or worked with a local artist, but has managed three Mailchimp accounts. “But some applicants arrive with… context.”
That context, insiders confirm, includes brand alignment, marketing value, social reach, and whether the artist is willing to repost the lineup graphic without asking questions.
The Festival Back Door
At universities, the back door is called “legacy admissions.”
At festivals, it’s called “curation.”
Artists without connections are encouraged to submit through a portal that costs money, time, dignity, and occasionally a processing fee “to offset administrative overhead,” despite the administration consisting primarily of Notion boards and Google Sheets.
Artists with connections, meanwhile, are mysteriously “reached out to.”
“We don’t play favorites,” said another spokesperson. “We just prioritize people we already know.”
If Festivals Had Scholarships, Lineups Would Improve Overnight
Critics argue that if festivals offered actual music scholarships—funding, studio access, mentorship, or even basic pay—the quality of lineups would improve dramatically.
Instead, festivals offer “opportunity.”
“Exposure is our scholarship,” said one organizer, moments before approving a $14 oat milk latte on the festival expense card.
Free Labor, Rebranded as ‘Experience’
Like universities, festivals rely heavily on unpaid labor, reframed as “volunteering,” “ambassadorship,” or “being part of something bigger.”
Volunteers are promised:
access
community
a lanyard
and the vague sense that this might matter later
In return, they receive:
12-hour shifts
unpaid roles previously known as jobs
and a certificate they can’t expense at Safeway
“We couldn’t do this without our volunteers,” said organizers, proving once again that they absolutely could not do this without free labor.
Not All Festivals Are Garbage (But Some Definitely Are)
To be clear, not all festivals engage in pay-to-play. Some genuinely support artists, pay fairly, and work with local communities.
Unfortunately, these festivals are harder to find, because they are busy doing the work instead of running ads about doing the work.
The garbage ones, however, are easy to spot.
They:
are run by people who do not make music
do not release music
do not collaborate with local artists
and primarily operate as ticketing funnels with a cultural accent
Their core output is not art, but a marketing calendar:
tickets → submissions → early bird → Klarna → “last chance” → “final release” → “community thank you post”
Graduation Day
By fully embracing administrative sprawl, festivals have achieved what they always wanted: to no longer be about music at all.
At press time, several festivals announced new initiatives to “support artists,” including a redesigned submission portal, a longer FAQ, and a reminder that applications for next year are now open, with flexible payment options available.
Comments