ARLINGTON, VA — A groundbreaking multi-year study released Thursday by the Department of Defense confirms that American "bro-level" tactical coordination spikes by a staggering 400% the moment the "good" controller is successfully secured by the group’s most competent gamer. The report, titled Project: DualSense Dominance , suggests that while a group of four adult men in various stages of a turkey-induced coma may appear lethargic, their lethality in virtual theaters of operation becomes...

LOS ANGELES — After conducting what they described as a “thorough, boots-on-the-ground journalistic investigation,” reporters from Channel 5 announced this week that actor Shia LaBeouf is, beyond any reasonable doubt, a fucking moron. The conclusion follows a now widely circulated interview in which the former child star appeared to wander through the conversation like a drunk guy who just discovered philosophy for the first time at 3:40 a.m. in the smoking area of a dive bar. “Normally we...

First Day in Uniform They showed us a video this morning. I thought it would be something serious. History. Strategy. Maybe footage from real battles. Instead the screen lit up with a clip from the movie Tropic Thunder. A man in a suit danced alone in an office while patriotic music played behind him. The caption said: JUSTICE THE AMERICAN WAY. Nobody laughed. Nobody said anything either. We just watched. The Room There were thirty of us sitting in folding chairs. Some looked excited. Some...