Data Shows People in Vancouver Who Complain About AI Share DNA With the Hagfish — A Blind, Slime-Emitting Fossil That Panics Under Pressure
- Crimmu$
- 1 hour ago
- 2 min read
New UBC study finds that resistance to artificial intelligence may be a biological condition linked to weak spines, ancestral oozing, and too many trips to Lucky’s Comics.
VANCOUVER, BC — A groundbreaking study out of UBC’s Department of Cognitive Genomics has found that locals most outraged by AI advancements—particularly in the arts—share a startling percentage of DNA with the hagfish, a prehistoric sea creature famous for producing buckets of slime when agitated and contributing absolutely nothing to the modern ecosystem.
The study analyzed thousands of anonymized saliva samples collected from people who used phrases like "soulless machine art", "AI stole my style", or "I just want to draw frogs without competing with Skynet" at Vancouver coffee shops, gallery spaces, and comment sections of The Georgia Straight.
The results were slime-covered and damning.
“There’s a clear genomic overlap,” said Dr. Michaela Tran, the study’s lead researcher. “We’re talking Hagfish Core. Spinal jelly. Panic mucus. Total rejection of evolution.”
The hagfish, often called a “living fossil,” is blind, cartilage-based, and unchanged for 300 million years—much like that guy who still insists you have to shoot film to be a “real photographer,” despite using VSCO filters on his Instagram stories.
According to UBC’s findings:
94% of people overheard trashing AI in Mount Pleasant share DNA markers with hagfish defensive glands.
81% of Commercial Drive residents who oppose AI-generated art also display hagfish-level reactivity to new apps.
100% of those who mentioned “authenticity” at a Kingsgate Mall zine fair were found to release metaphorical slime under scrutiny.
“It’s like… they smell progress and immediately expel creative mucus,” said Dr. Tran. “Some even leave behind a film of performative outrage so thick you can’t walk through East Van without stepping in it.”
Longtime Vancouver creative Dana Helms, who hand-stitches band posters and sells them for $140 each at an arts co-op in Gastown, expressed disbelief at the findings:
“That’s ridiculous. I’m nothing like a hagfish. I have a vision. I stand against tech dystopia. Also, I can shoot ink from my pores when someone says ‘automation.’ Wait. Shit.”
While many Vancouverites reacted with denial, others embraced the slime.
“There’s something punk about it,” said one Guelph transplant with a Normcore mullet and a NO A.I. tote bag. “Like, yeah, I might be a hagfish—but I’m a handmade hagfish. You wouldn’t understand.”
Meanwhile, actual hagfish have issued a statement via the Vancouver Aquarium demanding an apology.
“We may be gelatinous, boneless, and emotionally unavailable,” the statement read, “but at least we’re not bitching about progress from a $6,000 laptop in a cafe that sells $9 pour-overs.”
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