Coachella Betrays Charli XCX By Choosing Band With Political Opinions Over Woman With Glittery Trauma and Cocaine-Inspired Bangers

CHARLI XCX FURIOUS GREEN DAY TOOK HER COACHELLA HEADLINER SLOT, USED IT TO SCREAM “FREE PALESTINE” INSTEAD OF “I’M A BRAT, I’M A SLUT”

INDIO, CA — Chaos erupted in the pop princess-industrial complex this weekend after Charli XCX was “absolutely gutted” to discover that her dream Coachella headliner slot was given to Green Day—who then wasted the opportunity by using it to promote human rights instead of her upcoming album about doing coke and feeling vaguely European.

“I wrote a whole album about snorting ketamine and ignoring texts, and now people care about… genocide?”

According to festival insiders, Charli had planned an ambitious set featuring 50 backup dancers in mesh bodysuits, a CGI rave baby, and a monologue about being “chronically slayed but spiritually neglected.”Green Day instead walked out draped in Palestinian flags, called out war crimes mid-guitar solo, and closed with a cover of Holiday renamed "Human Rights."

“What happened to celebrating art,” Charli allegedly asked no one, scrolling through Instagram edits of herself crying in HD. “This is a music festival. Not an ethics festival.”

Witnesses say Charli tried to reclaim the stage by live-streaming a Notes app apology for being “not political, just painfully hot,” which was interrupted when Billie Joe Armstrong threw a pair of bloodied Converse into the crowd and shouted,

“Silence is violence, bitch!”

Fans were divided. Some applauded Green Day for using their platform to raise awareness, while others sympathized with Charli’s brave decision to once again write 12 songs about being hungover in Paris.

“I love her,” said one fan on X. “But girl, the world is on fire. Maybe your song about ghosting someone a can wait a sec.”

At press time, Charli was seen in a Coachella porta-potty whispering “I invented hyperpop” to herself while Green Day handed out bootleg pamphlets called “Smash Colonialism, Not Guitars.”

“They turned my glitter slot into a TED Talk about apartheid,” Charli sobbed. “I was going to debut my new single ‘Cocaine Meltdown (feat. Grimes & a Dead Dove)’. Now no one will ever hear it.”

Critics have praised Green Day’s performance as a “rare act of moral clarity” and “a powerful reminder that art should be in service of justice.” Charli fans disagreed.

“I don’t know what an occupation is, but I know Charli was oppressed tonight,” said one teary TikTok user dressed like a 2002 Euro club promoter. “They silenced her sparkle.”

At press time, Charli was seen backstage practicing sad choreography in a mirror, whispering “brat supremacy” as Billie Joe Armstrong led a mutual aid sign-up drive in the VIP section.

Fans online were quick to point out that while Green Day was shouting about international human rights, Charli had just released a concept album about being emotionally unavailable in an UberXL.

“Charli’s right—she is underappreciated,” one stan posted on X. “But maybe yelling ‘I’m a brat, I’m a slut, I do coke and I cry’ into a vocoder isn’t what the moment calls for.”

At press time, Charli was spotted filming a moody close-up reel in a Juul cloud, whispering “I am the moment” while Billie Joe Armstrong was last seen handing out zines and weed gummies labeled “Decolonize Your Festival.”

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